I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She announced her abortion via fbk
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
