The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
