Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
