I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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