I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
