I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
