My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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