We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
there is glitter all over my balls
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