Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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