Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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