I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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