i just wanna soil my oats bro
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
