if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
