you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
kristin has been a bad kristin
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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