had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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