I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
