Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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