i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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