The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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