I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
