did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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