my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Sober January is a disaster.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
