how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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