Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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