she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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