I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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