Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wanna bring you to show and tell
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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