He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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