I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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