WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She announced her abortion via fbk
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My ass is underappreciated
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
