I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
