Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
