just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
