I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
