It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
