Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
