Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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