I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
