Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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