I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
