and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
