There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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