Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
