you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
