You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
