things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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