youre lurking in front of me
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
