Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
birth control should be required to get into college
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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