Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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