I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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